Clóda Scanlon, 22, Irish Fashion & Lifestyle Blogger, UCC Student, Rome.

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Do you ever just not know?

Hi everyone, I hope the title of this post doesn't seem very blunt..

So, I'm sure most of you if not all of you have had days where you're not feeling great no matter what you do. You're stuck in this rut and you just don't know why..? Well that's how I've been feeling today! So, I feel the best way to deal with it is to tell you, because you might just relate..

I have such a busy lifestyle. I'm constantly on the go - but I wouldn't have it any other way. I crack up if I have nothing to do or if I have to spend a day alone at home. I'm on a constant high of excitement from all the fun, amazing things I immerse myself into. I can't complain I have a lot more than most and am very grateful. But every couple of months, I just get tired. Physically and emotionally. I run myself into the ground until I can do no more.

I could kind of feel this coming to be honest. Ever since I finished the Leaving Cert in June, I've literally not stopped doing things!! But things have really been jam-packed since my trip to London in early September. Literally 2 days after coming back I started into my new job (which I absolutely love) and have really been focusing on my blog too! I also played camogie 3 times a week! 

I used to get this dizziness years ago, maybe from the ages of 9 to 14 or so. We never found a diagnosis no matter how many doctors I visited or how much I got bloods taken etc. Eventually the doctors just put it down to mild Vertigo. When I say dizzy spells I mean it would literally loom over me for hours, days and weeks!! And I don't mean dizzy as in my sight became fuzzy. I could completely focus on things in front of me. This dizziness that I get is internal, almost as if the inside of my head is shaking all around the place (as odd as that sounds). Thank God it went away for years!! However, I noticed that I started to get the dizzy spells for the whole of September.. 

I knew that it was due to how busy I had been, but it was something more. I think looking back now I felt left behind. I always wanted to take a year out and I think it is benefiting me so much. I definitely do not regret it but I have a lot of time on my hands in the evenings. So of course I spend most of my time on social media, because as a blogger, that is our forté (kinda lol).. But seeing constant snapchats of people starting college and making new friends, and kind of feeling like I was losing friends, I thought I had to just push it away. But realistically it isn't going away. College is still happening for them, and I still feel somehow left out. I know that sounds so silly, because obviously I'm thrilled for everyone that they're happy with their new lives!

 I feel like even though I'm always busy, that when it comes to it, people are too busy to make time for me or as if they kind of assume that I wouldn't need them. And somewhere along the line, I feel I have lost some good friendships. I know they will always be there if I ever need them, but it's just not the same. Don't get me wrong I have some amazingggg people in my life. My family, my boyfriend Jack, and my friends are everything to me! Even some of the girls who would have been in the year below me in school are so special to me and I have such great time for them because they always support me whether it be blogging, music etc. They're the loveliest of people but they have their own circles and I just find it tough sometimes that I'm kind of this in betweener. Like I'm not part of one particular group of friends. I'm kind of friends with a lot of different cliques, if you get me, but not a part of one in particular? I know you're thinking I sound so selfish, because I have heaps of friends but it's hard seeing it all over social media, knowing that it doesn't happen for me like it would've a few years ago!

So anyway, to sum that up, I think that is something that contributed to the dizziness. By pushing it all to the back of my mind, it really was having an impact on my head and thoughts! I'm pretty glad to have gotten that off my chest because it is a feeling I have to deal with regularly. I suppose it's better to address it than ignore it.

I also went out Sunday night for a few sociables and I often find that I hit a low the day after drinking alcohol. I like to call it Post Alcohol Depression (we've all been there). I was with Jack all day Monday though so obviously it didn't affect me. But I think today it did. I had a bad start to the day and that didn't help. Basically I was booked in to have an induction with a local gym for 8am this morning. I was so so excited as I was really looking forward to doing something healthy and positive! I got all my gear ready and really psyched myself up for a good workout, showed up at the gym and was told that the instructor wouldn't be there so I couldn't use the gym! It was far from the end of the world but it just set off whatever lull I got into for the day!

So to be honest I still don't know why I'm not feeling happy today. It could be a result of a build up of feelings, it could be after the boozing, I could be overtired. I could come up with a million reasons, but I know that it is just a feeling and it simply cannot last forever. I've been trying to focus on positive things and looking forward to a new day, but for now this is how I am feeling and I just have to go with it. It may be preached over and over again but it is totally OKAY not to feel okay!!! 

Does anyone else just randomly get down in the dumps for no reason?
Are you holding something in?

Please please please talk to someone. You are sooooo not alone! Even just today, 2 other bloggers were saying on Snapchat that they were anxious and stuck in a rut. It's normal. WE ARE ONLY HUMAN! Sometimes I think we feel that we have to be "superhuman" all the time when really nobody expects that of us only ourselves. I push myself too far, and I criticize myself for the littlest of things and that's not right either. I need to learn not to be so hard on myself and to know it's fine to be confident without being cocky. It's terrible, but in this day and age I am actually afraid to be confident sometimes in case I get labelled cocky... How does that make sense?? Why are people actually degrading others for pushing the boundaries of society or for doing things they might consider too "out there". Get over it!! If someone has the confidence to do something against the norm, support them, instead of having the mindset of "who does she think she is"..

Totaaaally going off the point as usual, but I'm so glad I wrote this now because I just had to get all of that off of my chest. It's important to find ways to try and get out of  a bad mood. For me I express myself through writing. For others it may be listening to music, going for a walk, or simply having a good ole cry! Whatever works for you do it!! Fight the feeling and say to yourself  "I am going to get through this". You know why??
Because it's just a bad day not a bad life!!

I am always here  if anyone wants to talk. Snapchat, message me, email me. Honestly, just don't keep things bottled up for too long because it is so important to talk even if it seems silly.

Lots of love,
Clóda xxx


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